It’s official, I’m restarting my blog! I haven’t had a blog on my website (as anything other than for updates/latest news) for over 15 years at this point so this feels both alien and oddly exciting. It’s been brewing in me for a while and instead of postulating, I thought it was time to take action. So to coincide with a website refresh, I’ve imported some articles I’ve written on other platforms over the last few years and here we are!
The Story So Far
It’s been quite a wild ride since I last blogged, probably too long a story to share in one post but I will share more about the journey in the future. My blogging habit began to fade with the advent of my first social media account. It was a far more immediate way to share my thoughts and stay connected with family and friends. Blogging, forums, (and MSN Messenger), the cornerstones of my millennial childhood fell out of fashion in favour of the rise of social media.
I also didn’t have the time or inclination to blog. With college and then university courses to complete, blogging took away time from my studies, a luxury I simply couldn’t afford at the time. University specifically didn’t come without a cost—by the end, my self-confidence in my abilities was low and after several years of being force-fed award-winning design work that was nothing like my style, I didn’t believe that I had interesting to say anymore. Blogging felt like a self-indulgent waste of time.
My website became a portfolio site and my ‘blog’ was mostly news updates about my work until eventually, I did away with it entirely. Social media became the new focus with so much noise from people telling you how to post strategically and grow your audience on various platforms to find new clients and make money. I tried following all the advice but it felt more like a chore.
Trying to conform and perform to please the algorithm gods who kept constantly changing the rules of engagement was a game I was never going to win.
I spent many years trying to find myself and my voice. I’ve had what feels like a million different careers at this point: graphic designer, book designer, website designer, wedding and portrait photographer, proofreader, indie publisher, writing coach, creative coach, executive coach, author. Throughout all of them, I’ve tried to maintain and build my social media presence to little success and truthfully I think it’s because my heart wasn’t in it.
Social media feels like the biggest timesuck that offered me little to no reward and didn’t make much dent in my business either. Perhaps it was me not using it in the ‘right’ way or not being committed and consistent enough to make it work. Regardless, social media stopped being fun (if it ever was) long ago for me.
Finding Myself
A few years ago, at the beginning of the Covid pandemic, I found myself unravelling. I met holistic practitioner Emily Tuck and began working with her to unpack all of my emotional baggage. It was an intense journey but ultimately rewarding as I had no idea how much emotional weight I was carrying. As I began to feel lighter, more balanced and healed, then came the question of what did I wanted to do with my life? What lit me up? What was my purpose?
I became passionate about wanting to help others on the journey. I used my creative skills to support Emily in getting her business out into the world. I got my own qualifications including an ILM Level 7 Coaching and Mentoring diploma and trained as an EFT practitioner. I even wrote a book on emotional healing based on my experience of working with Emily and we decided to go into business together. It felt like I had started to truly find my purpose in life. I launched my book at the Big Festive Indie Book Launch at Foyles, Charing Cross London and things were flowing, momentum was building, and I felt like I had finally arrived!
And then everything unravelled.
Hitting Rock Bottom
In 2023, my health took centre stage in my life, starting with a devastating miscarriage. Before I could even process it, I found myself in A&E twice in the space of a month with the most horrendous pain. After ruling out things like appendicitis and ovarian torsion, I was referred to Gynaecology and subsequently placed on a waiting list for surgery to diagnose endometriosis but was told it would be an 80 week wait.
I tried to pull myself together and get on with work, but not knowing how well I would feel on any given day made it hard for me to commit to coaching, and my work suffered. Mostly, I focused on surviving each day and working with practitioners to help get my body back into balance so I didn’t spend every day in pain.
In June 2024, I had another miscarriage. Barely able to process it, out of the blue I got a phone call offering me a date for my laparoscopy. Three and a half weeks later, I had surgery to diagnose my endometriosis formally and I was released from limbo. With some answers, I once again set about trying to rebuild my life and get back to work.
And then I had a third miscarriage in October 2024. I was floored. Eighteen months’ worth of grief, pain and fear landed on my doorstep. This time there was no picking myself up and carrying on, I ground to a complete halt. I handed off all my workshops and coaching work to Emily and let myself be enveloped in grief. November 2024 was the darkest month of my life. Grief felt relentless and endless. Life felt pointless. I knew I would never be the same.
At that moment I had a choice; let grief consume me for the rest of my life or try to claw my way out of the hole, finding a way to rebuild my life and find some semblance of joy, normality and forward motion. While it might seem on the outside to be so obvious—of course, you would choose the latter—in the thick of it, I wasn’t even sure that option felt remotely possible.
Grief can be like a black hole, all-consuming every scrap of light it could find.
Glimmers of Hope
I’m sure I’ll go into how I clawed myself out of the grief pit in more detail in future posts but to summarise; after giving myself over to the grief and letting myself rest, cry, eat junk, sleep and stare into the abyss without an expiry date, slowly I felt the world start to turn a little. The New Year brought up mixed emotions but was also an opportunity to let go and look for specks of light in my world that had become so dark and small.
Then I caught one of the respiratory viruses making their way around the UK (the so-called quad-demic) and was more ill than I’ve ever been in my life for the entirety of January 2025. It was truly horrendous. To add insult to injury as I was recovering, I badly sprained my rib muscles from coughing so much and was rendered immobile for half of February too! Everything in my mind and body was screaming at me to STOP and finally, when I couldn’t breathe without severe rib pain, I yielded. I thought I had stopped already in November but this was even more of a standstill than before.
And yet, it was possibly the best thing that could have happened to me. All my obligations were revoked and routines were suspended for the first couple of months of the year. It gave me time to deeply think. I put every aspect of my life under a microscope—what is important to me now? What isn’t important? What can I let go of, what do I need more of, how do I want to spend my time? How can I truly implement the changes I want to make in a way that suits me and my life?
I searched for a time in my life when I felt some joy—the early 2000s—and went on a joyride of my younger self’s interests and tastes. I downloaded albums by Steps and sang along joyfully and guilt-free. Yes, I still know all the words! My search for childhood joy coincided with EA rereleasing The Sims and The Sims 2 and had a glorious time playing them again. I watched old favourite films and fully immersed myself in the vibes. It was a reminder that it was possible to feel something other than grief and pain and deeply healing.
It allowed me to reassess who I am on the other side of my two years from hell and who I want to be. There are things I’ve rediscovered, like my love of Steps, that have stood the test of time and will be making a permanent addition to my playlists. Other things, I have outgrown and are not coming with me and that’s okay.
I gave myself permission to let go of what no longer fit me and it was truly liberating.
Holding Onto Truth
The one thing that I held onto throughout was that I wanted to write. I had fought so very hard to find my voice again and in the moments where I really faced my mortality in the last couple of years, my biggest regret was that I hadn’t written the books and told the stories I wanted to share with the world. It was the one constant while everything else fluctuated and it’s led me here to this moment.
I’m not actively working on my books right now (yet). The words and the flow haven’t come to me yet. I have, however, been collecting ideas so that when I am ready, I have plenty of stories to share. I don’t know if that will be tomorrow, in a month or even a year but what I do know in my heart is I have lots of stories across lots of genres to write and I will write them.
In the meantime, I feel it’s important for me to flex my writing muscles. To learn how to share with the world again in a way that feels right to me after so long of being withdrawn and isolated. Social media feels more alien and exhausting to me now than it ever did and I don’t have the inclination to commit to a posting schedule when it doesn’t light me up in any way shape or form.
What does feel good to me right now is to share my thoughts and experiences as I forge my new path with zero plan. Genuinely, I have no idea what comes next and that is okay! Instead, I intend to follow the flow of my feelings, follow my joy and see where it takes me. I want to share what has worked for me and what hasn’t and get down and dirty with the ugly feelings in the hopes that it might help someone reading this feel less alone, that it might give someone hope that they can also come out the other side.
The truth is, I don’t believe the grief of my losses will ever leave me. Those losses have fundamentally changed me as a person so there’s no way they could ever be erased. However, this isn’t where my story ends either. I’m 35 and even with my chronic illness diagnosis, I still have plenty of years and plenty of life left to live and I intend to find a way to make the most of it. I hope that you’ll join me on the journey, wherever it leads!
With love,
Camilla x
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