Learning to say ‘no’ was liberating—until it became confining.
As a recovering people pleaser, learning to say no and setting boundaries transformed my life. ‘No’ helped me reclaim my time, energy and peace. But after two years of saying no to almost everything while battling a major health crisis and chronic illness, I realised I’d built my walls so high I didn’t know how to escape them anymore.
Now I’m on a new journey—learning to say ‘yes’ again without losing myself. This is a process that is teaching me balance isn’t about choosing between self-protection and living fully. I’m learning to do both.
It’s not enough for me to just survive, I want to thrive!
Why Strong Boundaries Can Become Walls (And When It’s Time to Open the Gates)
It’s no secret that my journey from being a people pleaser to becoming a self-protectionist wasn’t an easy one. Learning to say no is one thing; learning to say no without feeling guilty and holding my ground was another. It was a skill I had to learn time and again over months, even years. Not everyone liked the ‘new me’. I was called selfish. Family and friends stopped speaking to me. But the peace it gave me, the energy and time I clawed back for myself—it was worth it.
My decision to relearn how to say yes wasn’t born out of a desire to go back to my people pleasing ways. The cost of saying yes will never be myself. No. The reasoning for my desire to start saying yes again has been born out of two years of hell. As my health and life took some seriously devastating twists and turns, I closed myself off from the world. It was exhausting enough surviving, let alone dealing with people. My circle—and world—became very small out of necessity.
Learning to say no was about self-protection. Learning to say yes is about self-expansion.
The wheel of life continues to turn and I’m very fortunate to say that I’m on the ‘up’ in terms of my health and life now. My endometriosis is manageable; every day I get a better hold on my Sjögren’s disease symptoms and my physical, mental and emotional health are healing daily. I feel I’m now at a stage where I can look at small ways I can open up the closed boundaries of my world again and venture out once again beyond these four walls.
The Self-Check Framework: Questions to Ask Before Saying Yes
Learning to say yes without reverting to people-pleasing ways requires intentional self-awareness and self-kindness. I’ve developed a two-stage framework that helps me honour both my boundaries and my desire to engage with life again.
Stage 1: Before Reading/Responding to Requests
Whenever I see a new message or email, I pause before opening it. This tiny moment of mindfulness has been transformative and so beneficial to my mental health. I ask myself:
- How do I feel right now?
- Does it feel good to read this right now?
- Am I busy or would this interrupt me?
- How does seeing this person’s name pop up make me feel?
- Is it urgent or can it wait?
I only read messages when it feels good for me. Reading and responding are two separate decisions—and that’s okay. I often mark a message as unread to remind myself to respond later when I’m ready. People who care about you will understand.
Stage 2: When Considering Your Response
Once I’ve read a message—whether it’s asking for help, opinions, or time—I check in with myself more deeply:
- Am I able to [help/offer an opinion/go out/etc]?
- What will it cost me to [help/offer an opinion/go out/etc]?
- To what extent can I [help/offer an opinion/go out/etc]?
- Do I want to [help/offer an opinion/go out/etc]?
- If not, can I/do I want to offer an alternative?
- What would I gain from [helping/offering an opinion/going out/etc]?
This last question is crucial. It’s the difference between self-protection and self-expansion and it’s been a massive lightbulb moment for me. These questions allow me to continue protecting myself while also allowing me to stretch outside my own confines in a way that works with me and for me, not against me.
The Difference Between a Healthy Yes and a People-Pleasing Yes
After years of practice, I can now recognise the difference:
A people-pleasing yes feels like:
- Obligation or guilt
- Fear of disappointing others
- Anxiety or dread
- ‘I have to’, ‘I should’ or ‘I must’
- Resentment before you even start
A healthy yes feels like:
- Genuine desire or curiosity
- Alignment with your values
- Excitement (even if nervous)
- ‘I want to’ or ‘I’d like to try’
- Energy, even if it requires rest afterward
The goal isn’t to only say yes when you feel 100% energised—that’s unrealistic, especially with chronic illness. It’s about accepting who I am right now and finding a way to meet myself there. Finding small ways to open my horizons sustainably, without costing myself too much in the process. For me, saying ‘yes’ is about remembering that there is still life out there and I want to live it.
A healthy yes feels like ‘I want to.’ A people-pleasing yes feels like ‘I have to.’
Small Yeses That Changed Everything: What I’ve Been Saying Yes to Lately
Here’s what saying yes has looked like for me recently—all small, manageable, yet meaningful:
Trying new experiences:
- Going in a hot tub for the first time on holiday—embracing something that might help my chronic pain
- Ordering a Biscoff milkshake instead of my ‘safe’ coke—breaking out of an old safe habit
- Having a photo with the Paddington Bear statue in Norwich—letting myself be playful without self-consciousness
Reconnecting with people:
- Meeting up with a friend when we’re both having good energy days—quality over frequency
- Messaging an old friend I’d lost touch with—vulnerability over pride
- Joining a theatre attendance focus group—way out of my comfort zone, but it was fun!
Nourishing myself:
- Having more than one slice of red velvet cake for my tenth wedding anniversary—celebrating without restriction
- Staying up past my usual bedtime playing board games—fun and spontaneity over rigid routines
- Feeding highland cows—such gentle giants! Pure, simple joy.
Using my skills meaningfully:
- Helping a friend with their WordPress website—contributing without depleting
- Supporting my college photography tutor with her artist portfolio—giving back felt good
The net result? My world has expanded. I’ve tried new things, broken out of old habits, and put myself out there just a little bit without draining myself. Most importantly? I’ve had fun. I felt like I was actually living rather than just surviving.
Learning to say yes isn’t about returning to people-pleasing—it’s about reclaiming joy without abandoning yourself. It’s about recognising that the walls you built for protection don’t have to be permanent structures. They can have gates. And you hold the key.
Start small. Pick one tiny thing this week that sparks curiosity or joy. Ask yourself the questions. Honour whatever answer comes up, whether it’s yes or no.
Because here’s what I’m learning: the most powerful yes is the one that honours both your boundaries and your desire to truly live.
What’s one small thing you could say yes to this week? I’d love to hear in the comments below.
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