The Aligned Creation of My Book ‘Unravelling Inwards‘
For someone who has been told all my life that I’m good with words and should write a book, it wasn’t the easiest journey to get to this stage of holding my book in my hands.
If you’d asked me when I was seven if I would write a book, I’m sure my answer would have been with total confidence, ‘Of course. I’m going to write loads!’ However, within a year, the pen metaphorically crumbled in my hand after a throwaway comment from a relative left me feeling less than good enough to share my stories with the world.
It sparked two decades of trying to find a way to be around stories and books without actually writing them myself. I thought I could illustrate the books until a teacher said my drawing was terrible. Then I discovered a knack for design which ultimately led me to training and working as a freelance book designer.
However, the call to tell my stories hadn’t left me. Despite spending years doing everything I could to avoid writing. Writing blog posts and pages for my websites felt like pulling teeth. I cringed every time someone said I should write a book. I wanted to write but my mind was blank. What on earth did I have to say?
But people still looked to me for help. Would-be authors came to me saying they’d love for me to help them design and publish their book but they were stuck with the writing. Please could I help? This drove me into a state of panic. I had no idea how to get myself to write anything longer than 500 words, let alone help someone else.
I decided to get a coaching qualification in order to support the writers I was working with. It was then that I realised I could use my coaching skills on myself to figure out why this was such a stumbling block. In doing so, I remembered the comment my relative made 25 years prior. It hit me like a gut punch, as fresh and raw as the day he had said it. No wonder I didn’t want to write!
Using my coaching skills and holistic, subconscious tools, I worked on the memory and the feelings it brought up without trying to force myself to actually write. At that moment in time, I simply wanted to heal.
A few months later, I found myself opening a notebook and poetry poured out of me for the first time in decades. It became a personal catharsis. I rearranged my morning to give myself time to sit and write poetry in my notebook. This continued for nearly a year before a friend challenged me to share a poem a day for a week.
The response from friends and family was phenomenal. My words spoke to them on a deep, soul level. By the end of the week, I’d promised them a poetry book and I set about typing up my poems for Soul Threads (due in 2024).
I didn’t get very far before an idea for a different book tapped me on the shoulder about emotional healing. Originally, I thought it was a book meant for to write but as I felt into the energy of the book I realised, it wasn’t meant to be from a practitioner’s point of view but from the uninitiated layperson, the person who was on the healing journey needed to write it, not their therapist.
Me. I needed to write about the journey I’d been on with Emily’s support.
Thanks to the earlier work I’d done to heal my writing wounds, the prospect wasn’t as scary as I’d thought. I sat with the idea for a week and toyed with the idea of writing an outline. Eventually, I gave the book a working title of Journeys With A Goddess, mocked up a cover to give myself a visual to help me connect with the energy of the book and then one day I sat down, opened up a blank document and started writing…
And it flowed. My goddess, it flowed.
I couldn’t stop. If I wasn’t typing at my desk, I was downstairs curled up in the armchair furiously typing on an ancient laptop. If I wasn’t on the laptop, I was squinting at my phone, typing away. I woke up in the night to write perfectly formed sentences and notes on my phone. I made audio notes on dog walks. I nearly burnt the dinner on multiple occasions because I was so engrossed I didn’t look at the time.
I was the embodiment of ‘eat, sleep, breathe’ writing.
For forty days, I wrote. A very rough outline of the rest of the book came to me about a third of the way into writing. I had some chapter headings and keywords reminding me of what was coming next but on the whole, I turned up to the desk not knowing what I was going to write but I trusted the words would come (and they did!) Two-thirds of the way into the book, the title revealed itself: Unravelling Inwards.
I finished just before my 33rd birthday and sheepishly handed it over to my friend Emily to read. If anyone knew the journey inside and out, it was her. She would know if I’d spent 81,000 words rambling or if it was actually any good.
It didn’t take her long to come back and tell me I needed to share it with the world. I panicked. I’d poured my soul into the words and it was an incredibly vulnerable share. I decided I needed more confirmation and gathered some friends and acquaintances to beta read. Their reactions were humbling. From tears to writing poetry, the story moved and inspired them. They wanted to share it with their friends.
I was terrified but I knew what I needed to do. Unfortunately, I then spent the majority of 2023 very ill so work to put the book into the world went on hold. I can honestly say though that in terms of publishing the book, the time off to focus on my health was a gift. It granted me time and space away from what I’d written which helped me separate myself from the book. I had the headspace to see why it was important to put it out there and consider what was the best way to approach publishing.
Having worked in independent book publishing for so long, there was no question that I was going to publish it through my own brand Tecassia Publishing. I handed it over to an editor who I had been working with for a couple of years and let him work his magic. I considered typesetting it myself (seeing as it had once been my job!) but I knew it would be an opportunity for me to slow down the process, so I handed it off to a freelancer I knew.
Then Unravelling Inwards returned to me, ready to go and there was nothing else to do but publish it.
Cue more panic.
I’ll admit, I dithered a little but not for long. There simply wasn’t time.
You see, just as the book was sent to the typesetter, I found out I had been chosen to appear at the Big Festive Indie Book Launch in Foyle’s Bookstore, London, this December (2023) so the book needed to be out in the world in time for the launch event.
Since then it’s been a technical whirlwind of loading files onto various platforms, setting up social media channels and learning not to be afraid of telling the world that I wrote a book and it’s out in the world for you to read. (Much easier said than done!)
But I’ve also found there’s a relief to putting the book out into the world. I held onto the manuscript and the stories contained within it for so long that it needed to find its place in the world, outside of me. In announcing it to the world, there was a letting go for me. Unravelling Inwards is its own entity, existing independently. I’ve certainly learnt over the past year that it has its own energy and momentum which seems to propel it forward even when I feel afraid or vulnerable.
It’s certainly been a journey towards publication and it’s far from over. Letting go creates space for the new and for me to write whatever comes next. That in itself is exciting!
For now, though, I’m still settling into my new-found identity as an author. A decade ago I was designing books for a living and it was always a buzz to see the final product in print. And yet, it doesn’t come anywhere close to the feeling of receiving a box of books and seeing your name on the front cover…
Pinch me! Just wow. ❤
With love,
Camilla x
If this resonates with you and you feel called to share it with someone who needs to hear this, I would be very grateful.
