Finding wisdom and a sense of self when you’re in limbo
I’ve written extensively in my book Unravelling Inwards about the four phases of the feminine, and how we find wisdom in those phases and integrate it into our lives. However, what happens if you find yourself in between?
But first, what are the four phases of the feminine? I think of it as an evolution of the triple goddess which represents aspects of the feminine (maiden, mother, crone). The four phases of the feminine introduced by Jane Hardwicke Collings add an extra stage between mother and crone called maga. As I wrote in Unravelling Inwards:
I remember thinking of my mum and other family friends I knew. None of them embodied the crone, but all of their children were far too grown for these women to fit neatly into the mother stage either. It wasn’t until I discovered a missing phase that it suddenly felt like it made sense to me.
Maga, her rite of passage is menopause. She is not yet the crone but her children have grown. She’s still full of life and vitality yet shoulders responsibilities that the crone will shed.
Camilla Fellas Arnold — Unravelling Inwards: A Journey Of Embracing The Divine Feminine
In working with these different phases and associated goddesses, we can heal our wounds and integrate new wisdom, regardless of which life stage we currently are in, freeing ourselves from that which would hold us back.
However, I’ve recently found myself pondering my own situation and realised that I’m currently in a state of limbo — what happens then? How do we find wisdom in the in-between? How do we find safety, stability and a sense of self in these in-between spaces?
I’ve worked extensively with healing my maiden wounds over the last few years to the point where I don’t really identify with the maiden anymore. I am and am not her. I carry the lessons and wisdom from her journey but maidenhood isn’t my active journey anymore. I haven’t made the rite of passage into motherhood either by having a child but emotionally and mentally, I find myself identifying more with the mother as a life stage to be inhabiting.
But without that rite of passage, without actually having children yet, how could I claim the mother phase of the feminine? Similarly, I look towards my friend, who has entered peri-menopause without having born children — does this mean she skipped the mother phase of life? Yet she has not fully claimed maga yet either so would that make her the maiden? I’m sure she’d tell me she feels far from the maiden so where does that leave her but on the cusp of something, at the precipice of a phase that she has yet to fully embrace?
I’m mindful that in my book, I did address this when I explored the mother phase of life as I talk about the idea that we can ‘create’, ‘birth’ and ‘nurture’ other things as well as children — creative projects, a business, pets, nieces and nephews, they don’t have to have been birthed from our body to be something that we grow, nurture and support in a mothering capacity.
And yet, that’s not what I’m saying either. I know all the ways I do take up the mother space in my life, and I’m acutely aware of the ways that I do not inhabit that space. Society at large also fails to recognise ‘other mothering’ in that it invalidates any woman who does not have children for whatever reason so I find myself in this awkward place of the outside world viewing me as the maiden, my inner world sitting with mother wisdom and ultimately, I end up being neither of those things today.
Welcome to the in-between world where it feels like your sock has fallen off in your wellies so you’re not sure if you’re gripping your stray sock or holding onto your welly and you have to keep hoicking up your jeans because you’re not quite this size and not quite that size either.
Labels — Helpful or Hindering?
Humans like to label and categorise things as a way to make sense of our world. The range of labels we give ourselves (and others) is vast; gender identity, race, religion, relationship status, diagnosis, personality traits and more besides. Sometimes these labels are useful, allowing us to make sense of our identity and granting access to help and support that we need.
Sometimes, however, the label is disempowering. It’s a source of stress because it reminds us of our own limitations or lack. My not-maiden-not-mother label happens to do both. It’s a constant reminder of not having lived up to society’s expectations despite having clearly outgrown my maidenhood.
So where is the wisdom in the in-between?
When you walk the line between two worlds, you have one foot in the wisdom of each. To walk this invisible tightrope is to learn that when you are neither one nor the other, it is within yourself you must find the balance, strength and courage to move forward. As I walk the Niagra Falls of my inner being, I remember that I am not my emotions, my not-labels or my current situation.
In these in-between states where we find ourselves outside of societal expectations, we learn to find our own true north. We can choose what wisdom we take into our hearts and what doesn’t resonate with us. In the in-between, once we let go of the stress of trying to be everything when we’re neither, we find the freedom to just ‘be’ and can cultivate a sense of self with even greater ease.
For me, that looks like learning the lessons of the patient mother when I work with my anxious dog while embracing the freedom of authentic self-expression from the maiden through my writing and creative works. When I look at my in-between friend, I see her reclaiming her power, shedding layers of a wounded self-image and embracing the freedom of choice with maga, while she simultaneously works to heal her mother and ancestral wounds and reexplores her priorities and personal identity.
In short, there’s a joy to be had here, in the in-between phases if you allow it.
And if you find yourself in the in-between, perhaps not yet the mother but no longer a maiden. More maga than mother but not fully there. Or more crone than maga while simultaneously neither, I encourage you to look both forward and back. What wisdom can you gain from hindsight (without falling deep into the wounds)? What fresh new perspectives can you feel on the horizon (without getting too caught up in the hows and whens)?
If you feel guided, here are some journal prompts you might like to use to unlock new wisdom:
What does it mean to you to be ‘in-between’? What feelings and thoughts come up when you think about navigating the in-between space?
If your in-between state was a place, where would it be? What would it look like? Include all the senses as you describe it as a visual landscape and explore any symbolic/metaphorical imagery you see.
If your in-between state was a person, what would you want to ask/tell them? Imagine a conversation with your ‘in-between’ state.
What wisdom, intention or focus would bring you peace and purpose as you navigate this in-between space?
I’d love to hear how you are navigating the in-between states of the feminine so do leave a comment and let me know!
With love,
Camilla x
If this resonates with you and you feel called to share it with someone who needs to hear this, I would be very grateful.
